Pinned, so that it was the first post you saw when you logged into the Subreddit, there was a compilation of every time Stav Halkias had riffed about paedophilia. “Stav appears to be an ACTUAL PEDOPHILE. These are obviously NOT JOKES. Why do Cum Town fans SUPPORT HIM AGAIN?”. At first I thought I had stumbled upon a spoof forum - that I had been pranked by those damned Opie and Anthony fans again! But, no. The pinned post on the Cum Town Subreddit, r/CumTownCumTown, was indeed an accusation that one of the podcast’s hosts was a paedophile. In fact, it had been both posted and pinned by ‘CumtownPDTier1sniper’, the sole moderator of the subreddit.
A collective fiction has no inciting event. While there are landmarks along the way, culture has memory similar to ours. You can always think of something ‘before’, but this never leaps to a beginning. r/CumTownCumTown was banned yesterday. Or maybe it was today. I don’t know. It’s not a big deal. It’s not the first time the library has burnt. The first exodus was from r/Cumtown to r/Cumtownchat, after that was a march from r/Cumtownchat to r/Cumtownchats, finally, a goosestep from r/Cumtownchats to r/CumTownCumTown. The story is over, now. The tapestry is woven, but some people are still trying to clothe themselves in the wool. Ask yourself, how are stories told?
…
“Story begins when an event, either by human decision or accident in the universe, radically upsets the balance of forces in the protagonist's life, arousing in that character the need to restore the balance of life. To do so, that character will conceive of an "Object of Desire," that which they [believe] they need to put life back into balance. They will then go off into their world, into themselves, in the various dimensions of their existence, seeking that Object of Desire, trying to restore the balance of life, and they will struggle against forces of antagonism that will come from their own inner natures as human beings, their relationships with other human beings, their personal and/or social life, and the physical environment itself. They may or may not achieve that Object of Desire; they may or may not finally be able to restore their life to a satisfying balance. That, in the simplest possible way, defines the elements of story.”
…
For those who haven’t listened to the show, and who are also presumably confused as to why there are so many hate comments written in Chinese accents, Cum Town is a comedy podcast. Hosted by Stav Halkias, Adam Friedland, and Nick Mullen, the show is brilliant. In between Eminem becoming lame and South Park becoming retarded, the world has a lot of pent up blue comedy. In bi-weekly hour-long bursts, a culture can let its hair down - ‘Yes! It is fucked up that Victoria’s Secret is sexualising a girl with Downs Syndrome!’ The show constantly references previous episodes, which makes it easy to fall down a rabbit hole. I started off trying to find the premium episodes for free, and now I'm friends with Friedland’s autstic hypebeast cousin on Facebook.
Yet, on these forums I noticed something weird. Pretty much every post about Mullen would begin something like ‘my friend, Nick Mullen’. Now, I don’t think listening to someone’s podcast means you know them very well but you would think, considering the sheer volume, that it would at least come up that Mullen was friends with so many seventeen-year-old homosexuals.
Joking, of course. But a joke only makes sense if it’s a reference to some reality. Here’s Friedland talking about DM’s he gets from fans
“It’s never I love Nick, it’s ‘I hate him and you will never understand him like I do’. Nobody has a foam finger that says ‘Nick Mullen’ on it. [...] They all tell me ‘if Nick met me, he would not be friends with you… or Stav. Because I get him”.
…
You don’t want to be friends with Nick Mullen. You want him to reinforce your identity as the type of guy who would be friends with Nick Mullen. Even in a pass-the-parcel of irony, this is still true.
I’ve often heard the fantasy described of being a rockstar playing music, which is fine. Personally, I like to imagine I'd be posted on Mugshawtys. There’s no harm in either one. Posturing online about it is slightly different though. Especially anonymously, there’s no such thing as ironic behaviour. Ironic jokes, sure. But creating an online persona isn’t a joke.
People have been using music to define themselves since the 70’s, so really it should come as no surprise that podcasts were the next logical step. However, the implications, to the fans at least, are horrifying.
You want to be Nick Mullen's friend?
Correct.
And what kind of person is friends with Mullen?
They’re super-cool, and they get all the girls.
Right.
We’d probably get so many forum posts about us.
Hmm.
And we’d laugh at jokes together all day.
Okay. We think you’d be alright for the role. Quick question - how many front teeth do you have?
The podcast quickly becomes a cuckold fantasy. Every week you tune in to see someone you hate live out a friendship you feel you deserve. No matter how much you hate what you’re hearing, you need to tune in to water a part of yourself. The e-celebrity in you needs to hear what your favourite comedian is saying about current events. How else would you know how to think?
…
Well, just as I was about to post this, the dream was over. Stav left Cumtown. People in the fantasy of ironically believing that Nick Mullen is their friend have two options. Double down or abandon it. Just because there’s now a rather large free seat at the podcasting table.
But maybe, for one last time, you should follow your object of desire. You should realise that forming parasocial relationships - with anyone - is never a good idea. You should strive to the figures of the past, not the popular of today. Because this Cum Town isn’t big enough for the two of us.
n word
I've been trying to email Nick but cannot find his email address anywhere, do you know what is by chance? please email a response to abigmojo@gmail.com if you get this, thanks.